Monday, July 7, 2008

Hope Dies

I never expected life to be fair. I didn't expect it to fuck me in the ass either.

We went to Wendy's OB/GYN today for a CVS test. It will tell us if there are any major chromosomal abnormalities in our baby. We spend a few minutes with a genetic counselor who asks about our family tree and diseases.

We're then shown to the examination room where Wendy is placed on a table. A nurse starts an to perform an ultrasound on her stomach to determine where the baby is located. This will determine whether the doctor goes in abdominally or vaginally.

I watch the monitor as she maneuvers the wand. It takes her awhile to locate the dark blob that is our baby. I notice the look on the nurse's face and I know something is wrong.

She asks how many weeks along the pregnancy is. We tell her 11. Wendy asks if the baby is still there.

"I'll need to get the doctor to check that out. One moment." She leaves the room and I move closer to Wendy and take her hand. I tell her not to worry. I know she doesn't believe me. She starts crying softly.

A tall, slim, gray haired man comes in and takes the nurse's place. He's the doctor. After fishing around with the wand for a few moments he informs us that there is no baby. My heart falls out of my chest and bounces off the floor. Wendy is crying uncontrollably. I feel so bad for her. So bad for us. There is no possible way that life could be this unfair to us. There is no way that we could miscarry twice in a row and get cancer all in one year. It's not possible.

I feel a hand on my shoulder and look up. The genetic counselor is there and says she is so sorry. Someone get's Wendy a glass of water and some Kleenex.

The room clears out except for Wendy and myself. As the door closes I hold Wendy in my arms and we just cry together. This is the second time we've been through this in less than 4 months.

What else can I say?


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