I went to work for about an hour today. I had to get out of the house away from people I had to entertain. Not that work is much better, but at least I can be gruff there.
I called Wendy and asked if she wanted to go to lunch. We met at Noah's Bagels in Santa Clara. We didn't even get all the way across the parking lot before it came rushing out. I told her the Dr.'s office called today and it was official.
We stood in the back of Noah's for about 10 minutes while she cried. Not the greatest setting to let the love of your life know that you officially have cancer. But I suppose there really isn't a setting where that kind of news goes over any easier. We ordered and sat in a corner. We ate. She cried. I felt numb.
We decided to skip the rest of the work day and went home and just lied on the couch together. Her family would be home in the evening so we had to pull it together by then. We just talked about how unfair this was, why was it happening to us, and what would we do now.
When her family arrived home from a day of shopping I was playing with my nephew and they were all talking about their day. Since they were leaving tomorrow for San Luis Obispo, I figured it would be cake to hold it together for one night.
A commercial for the Bucket List comes on T.V. It's a movie about two old guys that make a list of things to do before kicking the bucket. My mother-in-law Janet starts talking about how she and my father in law really need to make a bucket list.
Wendy starts crying uncontrollably on the couch and it gets very quiet in the living room. Janet goes to Wendy and hugs her and asks what's wrong. Wendy doesn't say anything. I figure there's no way to stave this off any longer.
"I have cancer," I say. My nephew is playing happily on my lap with his little hands gripped tightly around my pinkies.
"You're kidding," she responds.
No one says anything.
I go on to explain that it's leukemia and we just found out for sure this morning. She comes over and gives me a big hug. I'm tired of the attention being on me so I ask Wendy to tell everyone the really good news.
She explains that she's pregnant again. Suddenly everyone's smiling and my father-in-law shakes my hand. Up till now, no one had known that she was pregnant and only her mother knew that she miscarried earlier this year.
The rest of the evening is a blur of condolences, thoughts, prayers, anger, tears, and avoidance. I soon learn that people just don't know what to say to something like this. It's easier to just go on as if nothing was wrong.
I wish nothing was wrong.